Last November I lost my father. This was a sad time and one of relief. You see, about 3 years ago my wife and son moved in with him while she was looking for a job as we lived in another state. It turned out to be the last thing that I should of agreed to. You see, my Dad and her didn't get along - AT ALL. My dad it seems wasn't the easiest to live with and caused turmoil for my wife. I won't go into details, but suffice it to say, my wife hated, despised and loathed my father. So you can now understand the bitter sweet feelings I had on his passing.
Now to further complicate my life, I was appointed as my fathers Personal Representative for his Estate a couple years back. Since I was the closest one to him (literally 10 minutes away), he decided it would be better if I was. Not only did I have to deal with 3 sibling (in the Will),but 4 step siblings (not in the Will), a house, a truck and all his personal property. When this all happened, I tried to protect my wife from all this due to how much she disliked my father. Of course, this was the wrong thing to do as she was pissed at me for not including her. Sometimes when you think you are doing the right thing, you end up doing the wrong one ~ FML.
I was jammed in of all this and no friends to talk with kind of spiraled me into the abyss. Well, not completely true as I always had my "100% Mentally Disabled Vietnam" buddy DC to talk with - LOL. I digress though, what happened was that I talked with a co-worker what was going on. Due to my stupidity, I ended up having an emotional affair with her (another downside in my life). I am not proud of what happened and should have dropped the hammer once I realized where it was going. When you are at the lowest point in your life, sometimes reason isn't one of your stronger suits.
With nothing else left after all this crap, I turned to anime.
Anime was my break away from all the crap reality was throwing at me. It gave me 22-25 minutes of freedom to go to another reality and just enjoy it. I was able to zone out and not have to think about anything. I could disconnect from all the anguish around me and be engulfed in something that didn't make me feel bad. Seeing how other people lived, laughed and battled. Watching them grow and overcome all odds to be a better person (in most cases). This showed me that no matter how hard I had it, I can some how, some way overcome it all. However, when the end credits came up, it was back to the horrors of my life. I know that sounds a bit harsh, but it was how I felt.
In the end, as much as anime helped me to unwind, it couldn't help my marriage. We had been growing distant for years and everything just came to a head when my father passed and I ended up confiding in someone other than my wife. It was an extremely hard decision to make, but I was the one that decided to end the marriage. I couldn't come to grips with what I had done and knew I couldn't fix something that my heart wasn't fully committed to. Separating and rebuilding ones life is hard when so much has been lost. I have a son who is now in Middle School and this is what made my choice the hardest as I adore and love him. I couldn't however remain somewhere I felt I could not be happy or to be myself. We all wear masks in our lives to hide our pain and suffering. For me, I was done wearing it and was time to remove it so I could live again.Like in the anime, our hero has to make hard choices to find him/herself. This was one of mine and I think I will be a better person for it in the long run. I am not perfect and would never perceive myself as such. I am human, I make mistakes and will always make mistakes, but hopefully I will not allow them to hold me back. I am alone now with the exception of my anime. This helps to curve the pain of being alone sometimes as I have plenty of friends in the series I watch (now that is just fucking sad and pathetic - LMFAO!).
I do have my son on the weekends sometimes which brings a spot of light to my life. I know I still have a long road ahead of me as I am still dealing with my Dad's stuff. Hopefully however, one day, after all the dust has settled, I will find the peace I so much am looking for. Though for once, it is not the peace in death, but the peace in life I am looking for. I don't want or deserve any pity as this may sometimes sound like it. The whole "Oh, Woe is Me' crap won't fit me as I made this hole and I need to dig myself out. I guess, I just needed to finally get it off my chest (confess my sins so to speak) and help myself with the healing process.
Sorry for not doing one of my 'normal' fun posts. Sometimes the reality of life rears its ugly head and we have to actually face it. Thanks to everyone that stops by and drops a note now and then. I will hopefully begin posting again soon and getting back to doing reviews.
~ Dan
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